John Trupin throws the first pitch of 2023 to Reed McFeely.
The ninth is often deeply anti-climatic. Turning twenty-nine feels like nothing but a step to turning thirty. A batter weakly grounds out to end the game. Palpatine comes back, somehow.
But sometimes, the ninth is triumphant. A deaf artist is turned towards an adoring audience, vindicated. Over twenty years of meaningless pain transforms into hallucinatory joy. F9 was watchable, somehow.
While we look forward to the decade mark, this ninth season of Seattle Wiffleball is special all its own. We bid farewell to a few teams, and eagerly welcome a few more. New stories will be written, streamed live for our adoring fans. And most importantly, we will all get to go outside and have a fun time, thanks to a few ounces of white plastic.
WEEK FIVE POWER RANKINGS
- Wiffle House (8-0)
Captain Liam McFeely’s reigning champs have started their title defense in rousing fashion, from their fresh threads to their perfect record. Their schedule hasn’t been a picnic either, sweeping through three of last year’s playoff contenders and another traditional power. These guys hit, run, and field with the best of them, and their pitching is still getting better, with newlywed Quinn Thomas shutting out the dangerous Juice lineup last week. So far the House always wins, but they have another stiff matchup this week against the Stops.
- Bilabial Stops (8-2)
The Stops have had to weather some serious injuries over the last few years. This offseason they lost Noah Purcell to #ballislife syndrome, but taking his place is none other than Greg Nyssen, emerging from the haze yet another time. Their pitching is still elite and their baserunning is brilliantly entrepreneurial, but the offense has sputtered against top-end pitching. Their two games against the Juice were one-run nailbiters, and they’ve split with both the Dome and the Dingers. They have a golden opportunity to move up the standings and solidify their spot in the power rankings when they take on the House this week.
- Swingdome (5-3)
Nick Ludwig Is Him. Making his pitching debut in last year’s World Series, the big lefty honed his craft in the offseason and emerged with devastating movement and command. While he got roughed up by the House, he and the boys bounced back to score a 5-1 win against the Stops last week. Ice Bath Time Machine™ Comeback Player of the Year® 2022 Riley Brindle hasn’t had the same success on the mound this time around, but he’s gone off at the dish and racked up an almost comedic number of RBIs. This week they take on the Juice in a pivotal rivalry series.
- 100% Real Juice (6-4)
After missing the playoffs for the first time in franchise history last season, the Juice have returned rejuvenated. Several veterans have reappeared in the early going, including ace Aaron Hunter, and Matt Rosenfeld has absolutely torched the league with his bat. They took the Stops to the brink in both games and gave Wiffle House a serious challenge as well, all while taking care of business in their other matchups. Their turn for the worse last season was a sweep at the hands of Swingdome – can they return the favor this year?
- Dingers and Swingers (4-2)
A spinoff of last year’s Skull Knights, Captain Zak Kosher and his squad are off to a dream start. In their debut game against the daunting Stops, they managed to squeeze out three runs with two outs in the top of the sixth, and Nick Cvitkovic shut the door for an emphatic first win. The mad lads would mount similar heroics against the Washout, with Cvitkovic not only dealing from the hill, but stroking a walk-off single with two outs in the bottom of the sixth. The Dingers look to maintain their momentum this week against the Crows.
- West Coast Washout (3-3)
The Certified Dad team has only gotten Daddier as last year’s Rookie of the Year Cory Smith has been absent in the early going. In his stead, offseason pickup Christian Nossum has been brilliant on the mound and at the dish, but they just didn’t have the firepower to overcome the House, and they dropped a heartbreaker to the upstart Dingers as well. Their season is still plenty young though, and they have a chance to right the ship against the Knights this week.
- Sheryl Crows (4-4)
Last year the Crows #DidItForSheryl and made the playoffs for the first time in their history, finishing their season with a gutsy three-game effort against Swingdome. This year they’re more fun than ever, from postgame beer boot chugs to Captain Eric Sanford’s impeccable social media game. Harry Page-Salisbury also deserves a special shout out for breaking homers, hearts, and noses in equal measure. Right now they’re winning the games they should, and if they can grab at least one from the Dingers next week they’ll be right back in the playoff mix.
- Chicken & Wiffles (0-6)
I know what you must be thinking: “How is a winless team not at the bottom of the power rankings?” “The Commissioner plays for this team, this is clearly nepotism.” But in this league we have to look at who they have played and the Chickens have had a tough draw, putting up good fights against the Dome and the Crows with Liam Munro cranking a beautiful home run. Things went less well against the Juice, but Captain Matt Pearson unleashed his devilish curveball to put some of the Juicers in hell, while building on his nice season at the dish. They’ll look to get off the schneid against the Wiffowskis this week.
- Skull Knights (1-7)
While the Knights scrapped and clawed their way to a playoff appearance in their debut season, Captain Wallace Tillman has completely overhauled his roster in their sophomore campaign. Veteran Jason Matt has joined the squad and been hot on the recruiting trail, while rookie Noah Duszynski has been solid at the dish and on the hill. Wallace has also been pulling double-duty this year, taking the mound and hitting bombs. The squad scored their first win of the season against the Wiffowskis, and are looking to keep it going against the Crows this week.
- The Big Wiffowskis (1-9)
Captain Tim McLaughlin succinctly described his experience leading his rookie team into their initial gauntlet: “I love wiffleball, but I don’t know if I’m having any fun right now.” But after being shut out entirely for their first five games, Brendan Carlson slapped a hit against the Stops to score the first two runs in franchise history. They built on that the following week when they took on the Knights at Denny Field for a Thursday night matchup, scoring their first win in franchise history. Riding into the back half of their schedule, they’ll look to build on those good feelings in their matchup against the winless Chickens.
