Swingdome (formerly known as RBI Steaks) rolled into the playoffs in style, finishing the season 8-1 in their last 9 games while unveiling their snazzy rebrand to great fanfare.
11:00 AM – (6) Skull Knights @ (3) West Coast Washout
Midway through their maiden season, the Skull Knights were in a bind. Wallace Tillman and his gang of free agents had put up a fight with the Stops but were ultimately swept, then only managed a split with the lowly Chickens before getting kicked around by the Washout. Their backs were against the wall, and the legendary 100% Real Juice was barreling towards them.
The Knights bit down on the mouthpiece and started shoving, scoring not one but two signature wins. They absorbed a sweep from the Crows, then got a critical split with Swingdome to set up their final date with Wiffully Ignorant. One win and they were in – they got two. Now they want two more.
West Coast Washout are the defending champs, and have gone through a trial at the end of their season. After cruising through the meat of their schedule, each of the top three teams had to play each other in back-to-back weeks, and the Washout had an even tougher road with a makeup against the Wigs. Though they won the makeup, the champs dropped their first game to Wiffle House in a heartbreaking walk-off. Then they were forced to endure three punishing mercy rule losses at the hands of the House and the Stops.
Well then there’s only one thing left for them to do. Win the whole fucking thing.
3:00 PM – (5) Swingdome @ (4) Sheryl Crows
The last meeting of Swingdome and the Sheryl Crows was a freezing slog in the mush of May. Conditions were so poor that the new CBA was invoked and both teams received warming fluids for their troubles. Now they will meet again in the sweltering dust bowl of August, each having taken thrilling paths to get here.
Following their sweep of Swingdome, the Sheryl Crows solidified their position in the middle of the table by beating up on the teams they should, firmly sweeping the Chickens, Wigs, and Knights. While they weren’t able to score a signature win against any of the favorites, they were no pushovers either, taking leads deep into several games behind crafty hurlers and patient hitters. The first cut is the deepest, and the Crows will look to drive it through in their first-ever playoff appearance.
After getting swept by the Crows, the then-RBI Steaks fell all the way down to 0-7 while facing the peak of the league. Then out of nowhere, they scored their first and biggest win of the season against the reigning Washout, and the rally began. The schedule eased up, the pitching clicked, the lineup fired, and the reborn Swingdome rolled to a 8-1 finish. These veterans are hungry for another World Series patch on their fresh jerseys.
BYE – (1) Bilabial Stops, (2) Wiffle House
Rookie Noah Purcell lifted his visor, the eerie glow of his simulation chamber now unfiltered. “Why isn’t it possible, you stupid bastard,” he muttered to nobody in particular.
Purcell ripped off his helmet and stepped out into the lab. He had crunched the numbers, unfurled the spreadsheets, broken down every possibility, trying to find a way for his beloved Bilabial Stops to clinch the top seed. It was bleak. He looked up at the far wall, and the poster of his scientific inspiration Jeff Goldblum peered down at him.
They spoke with one voice. “Chaos.”
In a wild final day of the season, a shorthanded Wiffle House locked down two wins over 100% Real Juice, building a seemingly insurmountable +19 run differential on the Bilabial Stops. The Stops would not only have to sweep the Washout, but they would have to do so in emphatic fashion. In the afternoon heat, Eddie Brown’s crew did just that with 10-0 and 20-1 victories, and will now have “home field” advantage throughout the playoffs.
