A blood-soaked message appeared in the inbox of the Seattle Wiffle Facebook Page:
Our wiffle armies thirst for a Seattle conquest, and today we came upon your pathetic page. Our legions stand forty strong, and we engage in a tournament among ourselves every summer to hone our skills. Our armies yearn for a more consistent campaign: to learn your ways, form a team, and crush your squadrons one by one. Your week one armies, and all those in the future, shall tremble before the Mighty Knucks!
-- Commander Brandon Michael Williams
We replied curtly. Challenge accepted.
In all seriousness, we are excited and delighted to welcome the Mighty Knucks as the ninth team for the 2019 Seattle Wiffleball season. They have a lot of catching up to do, having essentially taken three straight byes, but we are confident they are up to the challenge. With nine teams the league will switch to a 16-game schedule without divisions. The top three teams will get a first-round postseason bye, while the fourth and fifth teams enter a one-game playoff. On to the recaps...
Beef Reignited between Juice, Steaks
JIMMY FROIO, RBI Steaks
100% Real Juice 14 || RBI Steaks 11
The second set of games on May 19th was a match up of the past two World Series winners, leading to record setting ticket prices on the secondary market. 100% Real Juice drew first blood, plating one run in the top 1st by pairing singles from pitcher Tim Haggerty and Duncan Robinson with two walks as Riley Brindle struggled to find the zone. However, it was the 2nd inning that the defending champs did their damage. 100% Real Juice put the ball in play time and time again, stringing together 8 singles, with most of them perfectly placed between the foul arc and the pitchers mound.
The frustrated Steaks, desperate to stop the bleeding, deployed a new fielding strategy based on the recent rule change. Jimmy Froio moved in from the traditional second base position to play the “Dwarf Stop” position, standing in front of the pitcher and right behind the foul arc. While 100% Real Juice scored 6 runs in the 2nd, extending their lead to 7-0, the new fielding tactic proved effective for the Steaks throughout the rest of the series.
Don't be fooled by the bat, this is actually the Steaks' Jimmy Froio playing the field.
The Steaks scored a run in the second and third inning, while 100% Real Juiced continued their trend of scoring every inning, adding one in the third and 3 more in the 4th. The Steaks’ bats came alive in the bottom of the 4th, returning the 6 run inning favor with 5 hits, 3 walks, and some classic Steaks aggressive baserunning. With the Steaks pushing for a late comeback, Captain Gabe Showalter stepped to the plate with 2 outs and 2 on, smacking a clutch 3 run homerun that ended up being the nail in the coffin, securing victory for 100% Real Juice, 14-11.
RBI Steaks 11 || 100% Real Juice 6 (F/9) Steven McGinley vehemently objected to the possibility of a tie after 9 innings.
Game 2 was set up to be a pitcher duel with two of the best pitchers in the league, Nick Winn and Epo Olivares, taking the mound. They combined to fan 5 batters in the first two inning, with the highlight being Riley Brindle pleading with Epo to throw him and off speed pitch after whiffing at two fastballs. Epo complied, throwing a slow slider two feet off the plate, which Riley took one of the ugliest swings in the history of wiffle ball at, ending the 2nd inning tied 0-0.
The Steaks broke the tie by plating 3 in the 3rd on a sac fly and 2-RBI single by Riley, reclaiming a small portion of his dignity. Steaks added 3 more in the 4th on 5 walks by Epo. Another clutch hit by Gabe in the 4th got 100% Real Juice on board and left the score 6-1 Steaks after 4 innings. Due to time limit, the 5th inning was set to be the last, until it ended up being the halfway point in the game. Down 6-1, 100% Real Juice mounted an epic last inning comeback fueled by 7 walks and a timely hits, scoring 5 runs to tie the game at 6 runs each.
Marquee Matchup™
Against all common sense, Epo and Nick appeared to be getting better as the game went on, combining to strike out 16 batters, allow 2 hits, and no runs in innings 6-8.
Commision Dan told both sides that if no one scored in the 9th inning (with each team starting the inning with a runner on second), the game would end in a tie. The Steaks loaded the based in the top of the 9th and a sky high pop up by Jack Sandstrom swirled around in the wind, landed, scored Steven, and gave the Steaks the lead. With the bases still loaded, Epo responded by striking out Jimmy Froio for the second out. Then, Steven McGinley stepped to the plate and broke the game wide open with a grand slam to dead center.
Epo Olivares pitched valiantly in defeat.
After Epo ended the inning with his 14th strike out of the game, it was 100% Real Juice chance to answer in the last inning, again, down 11-6. With the 5th inning implosion still fresh in his mind, Nick seized his second chance to shut the door, striking out the side to end the game with 20 strikeouts, a win for the Steaks, and the series split between that last two champions.
Chickens Greet ISO Pale with Slugfest
PRESTON SAHABU, Chicken ‘n’ Wiffles
Chicken ‘n’ Wiffles 13 || ISO Pale 12 (F/5)
The first offensive explosion of this game came, fittingly, in the first inning. Chicken ‘n’ Wiffles ambushed veteran starter and new captain Otto Par for six runs in the top of the first, with opposing pitcher Matt Pearson helping his own cause by smacking a grand slam. Despite the early hole, the potent Pale offense did not give up hope and scored three of their own in the bottom of the first, with Hiro Watari stroking a double to score two and Scott Macgowan popping a sacrifice fly to bring the score to 6-3.
Nice.
Things went weirdly quiet in the next two innings with no runs coming across for either side, a combination of effective pitching to contact, crafty strikeouts, good defense, and questionable baserunning. While the Chickens held the lead, it did certainly did not feel secure.
To rectify that in the top of the fourth, the Chicken bats went Nashville Hot and burned six more runs into the book. Jesse Pearson helped set the table, driving in a run on two hits in the inning, on his way to five for the game. Andy Siegel uncorked his forehand tennis power to smack a three-run home run, and M. Pearson made it a double with a two-run homer. Sitting 12-3 with the time limit closing in, the game seemed in hand.
It was not so. A bucketful of walks, singles, and defensive miscues brought ISO Pale to 12-6 before an out was recorded in the bottom of the fourth. With the bases loaded, Par dropped in another single and Watari lined a grand slam, cutting the lead to just one. Macgowan said, “Thank you, I’ll have another,” and went back-to-back with Watari to cap off the nine run rally, bringing the score even at 12 headed into the fifth and final inning.
Siegel did his best to shake his team from shock by putting the ball in play and using his speed to nab a single. Michael Constantine walked, M. Pearson struck out, and Liam Munro flew out to right field, allowing Siegel to tag up from second to third. J. “Swinger” Pearson cooly walked to the plate and struck the first pitch right back to Par, tying him up and allowing swift Siegel to score for a narrow lead. A nervy bottom half of the inning saw the tying run reach third with the winning run on first, but three skillful fielder’s choices sealed the game for Chicken ‘n’ Wiffles.
Chicken ‘n’ Wiffles 17 || ISO Pale 13 (F/4) Sahabu, Pearson, & Co. finally broke out to secure the doubleheader sweep.
Michael “The Big Angle” Constantine was on the bump for the top of the first. He gave up a single, a walk, a home run to Uli O, and another walk before stepping off and grimacing in pain. It’s being called a upper right back strain and he’s week to week, like us all. Constantine gestured to the bullpen by tapping his left arm, much to the surprise of Liam Munro, who began warming up for his season debut.
Munro gave up another field goal of a home run to Scott Macgowan before working his way out of the inning on a strikeout and two fielder’s choices. The sixth fielder has helped Chicken ‘n’ Wiffles immensely, allowing them to calmly make plays instead of scrambling around like, well, chickens with their heads cut off. The score stood 6-0, but there was plenty of game left.
Macgowan was the first hurler for ISO Pale, and his defense was not much help as Constantine still had functional legs, wheeling around to score from first on a Matt Pearson single. Macgowan went on to surrender five runs on four walks and three hits, earning one strikeout before being lifted for Jamey Stephens, who began his outing with four walks and a single before stemming the bleeding at 11 runs for an 11-6 deficit.
Munro gave up another field goal to Stephens in the top of the third, but the blow was mitigated by his squad’s continuing offensive onslaught, so he kept a comfortable lead at 17-9. Shaney Huddlehuff took the mound for ISO Pale in the bottom of the third and was quite effective, surrendering only one baserunner while pushing two strikeouts. In the fourth and final inning, Hiro Watari Ichiro’d yet another grand slam, but Munro put a nice bow on the game with his second strikeout.
Bilabials Split with a Second Playoff Squad
DANIEL RISH, West Coast Washout
West Coast Washout 12 || Bilabial Stops 6
Captain Jeremy Salvo sacrificed himself to give the Washout an early lead. They would continue adding, with three RBI walks charged to Nick Usoff in the second. At 4-0 with the bases loaded, the Washout looked poised to add more. Salvo skied one to right, and Jason Matt tagged from third. The throw from Usoff cut him down as his foot came down on the plate, and the carnage was stopped. The second inning still gave the impression of a runaway.
This file photo doesn't depict the filth nor the flow that was on display from a mulleted Dan Rish on Sunday.
Daniel Rish was dealing on the mound for the Washout, seemingly in little trouble even after allowing a solo homer to the Bilabials Garrett Herfkens. The score was 5-1 after the third. Then, in the bottom of the inning, the Stops rallied, with 5 singles and a sac fly, coupled with two walks. In a blink, 6-5 stops! The final lead change came in the form of a Jack Kineke double, making the score 7-6 for the Washout. Insurance of all stripes came in the bottom of the fifth with the Washout scoring five times to get to the final tally. The story of the game was 16 walks for the Washout, compared to 5 allowed. The Stops outhit the Washout 8-6, with three for the Washout coming off the bat of Jack Kineke.
Bilabial Stops 1 || West Coast Washout 0
The first pitch of the game was driven to the fence and perhaps over by Daniel Rish -- and still caught by left fielder Garrett Herfkens. Undeterred? Unfazed? Or, maybe fired up would be the best way to describe Stops pitcher Eddie Brown. He started dealing such that he wouldn’t need much support. It came in the first. Having walked two batters, Max Melendez was in trouble, but it looked like he had a chance, when Bobby “the One-Armed Pirate” Vadnais bounced an easy grounder to the shortstop. Rish fielded it cleanly, but then botched the throw to Jack Kineke at second, scoring Brown. Melendez would get out of the jam with two quick strikeouts, but the damage was done.
The seemingly unscoutable Bobby "The One Arm Bandit" Vadnais racked up three hits in a 1-0 win for the Bilabial Stops.
Brown allowed a harmless single to Jack Kineke in the second, and then got to bases loaded with one out in the third, but he worked out of trouble, giving a more triumphant fist pump each time he left. Melendez was equally dominant, working out of the lone bases loaded jam, but in wiffle, teams rarely score from the mound. In a time-shortened 5-inning game, the Washout needed a run to stay alive. With Jeremy Salvo on base, the Washout’s Conor Roberson pulled the 1-2 pitch down the left field line to the fence, but just foul. Brown cleaned it up with a final strikeout to make his final count 11K’s and just one hit in five innings. Bobby Vadnais finished with 3 of his team’s four hits.
Birds of a Feather
MATTHEW ROBERSON, Sheryl Crows
Hang and Bang 16 || Sheryl Crows 0
Hang and Bang 19 || Sheryl Crows 8
Some players respect the game, and others force the game to respect them.
No player demonstrates this feeling more than Matthew Roberson, the junkball pitchin', bandana wearin', bat flippin' emotional leader of the Sheryl Crows. While the Crows got their wings clipped on Sunday by the (team formerly known as) Sons of Pitches, the expansion team showed some encouraging signs of improvement.
If you hang them, Greg Nyssen, in fact, will bang them,,,,,.
Do not be fooled by Roberson's 24.00 ERA. The righthander's funky deliveries and impeccable command kept the Crows in the game after starting pitcher Nick "Uncle Rico Minus the Talent" Wright made his league debut by issuing four walks, a hit, and five runs without recording a single out. Though Roberson tragically permitted his first two walks of the season during the back half of Sunday's doubleheader, he also roped a bases-loaded double to give the Crows their first runs of either game and allowing the grounded offense to finally take flight. His subsequent bat flip earned effusive praise from academics across the globe, with hi-res photos displayed prominently in countless museums.
Mathew Roberson windup montage coming soon.
Limited to just six players for Sunday's affairs, the Crows got ample chances to acclimate to the Hangers’ and Bangers’ pitching. Though still hitless on the season, Wright and Zach "If Mitch Haniger was Somehow Whiter" Gottschalk picked up their first RBI of the year on a pair of patient walks. The duo also combined for a sparkling defensive play. Roaming the vast outfield, Gottschalk extended an arm above the fence to knock down a sure home run. Eric "I'm a Man, I'm E-40" Sanford corralled the ball and fired back to the infield, unfortunately without any semblance of a target. Wright swooped in for his best Derek Jeter impression, fielded the ball near the first base line, and unleashed a rocket off the home plate board to nail a runner trying for an inside-the-park homer.
Like their Baltimore-based bird bros, the Crows have been mostly trash in 2019. But, as the team inches closer to full strength with players returning from vacations and hamstring troubles, look for the Crows to soar magnificently above Ravenna and into the hearts of a nation.
